Email me at pileofnearmisses at the g mail (all one word)
You’ll never believe you lived without them!
1. Need to burn your house down? Try making a fucking panini with your iron YEAH that’s gonna work it all seemed so simple and now everybody in my dorm is covered in Kraft singles and is also dead
2. Wanna make a grilled cheese? Stop making it with an iron or with a curling iron and make it with a fucking pan that is a LIFEHACK enough
3. Need to eat a pile of slop in a mug? Microwave a bunch of shit in a mug and there you go voila some dog crap in a mug that was supposed to be an omelette
4. Want to lose two hours of your life and cover your floor in nail polish? Yeah go ahead with your gigantic hubris and attempt to do cool nail art with Scotch tape. Let’s see how that turns out for you, you delusional egomaniac.
4. Need to cover your entire house in paint and decorate it with the sound of your screams just because you wanted a “cool” “DIY garbage can?” Oh you need a cool DIY garbage can, you fucking loser?
5. You: “Oh, my closet is so messy and huge” 1st of all check your rich privilege and 2nd of all go ahead and take some shower curtain rods and some hangers and smash one of your walls in and then you can have a second closet for all your precious Wet Seal camis and all your precious “THRIFTED” Betsey Johnson purses. So easy to hold onto high school memories, isn’t it? It’s easy to feel like your life is spiraling out of control, isn’t it?
6. Got a wine stain? Dying of cholera? Need to take off your mascara? It’s pretty simple: Take some vinegar and shove it up your ass, because you don’t have vinegar in your house and so you’ll just go out and BUY SOME and then you should just buy the PRODUCT THEY ALREADY MANUFACTURE SPECIFICALLY TO FIX YOUR PROBLEM.
7. Sick of losing things? Take literally everything you own and stick a magnet on it and then buy a 30 foot fridge and stick it on there and you wasted your whole weekend on this whole project to do this? “Oh what did you do this weekend?” “Oh I put magnets on my bathroom wall to easily store my bobby pins” “So you do know our time on Earth is limited, right?”
8. Just pour chalkboard paint fucking everywhere and write over it all and tie all things you have with ribbons you cutesy gingham psycho
9. Messy pile of wires? Chew your way through them and then you’ll electrocuted, never to worry about a thing again.
10. Need to open a bottle of wine without a bottle opener? Just get a string, the will of man, pull the sword out of the stone, smash it on the ground, lick the shards of glass, and get the FUCK OUT OF DREAMLAND. Look yourself in the eye, man. You’re never gonna open it, man!
11. WHAT EVEN THE FUCK, BUZZFEED.
11. Just buy gosh damn key covers they are 10 CENTS EACH
Lemuria Books is the ideal store for those of you looking for that blissful moment of discovery. It’s not the easiest place to find, but once you get there you’ll realize that the exploration was worth every minute. Tucked away in a three-story shopping center off I-55, Lemuria is a hidden little gem for all the weary travelers scooting through town. (via The Lucky Tour: Lemuria Books | Algonquin Books Blog)
Oooh, bookstore tours!